Who Is Stupid?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Taking A Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

Saving It

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that," said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married." The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said, "Yes, Father." About 10 years later, the priest was in his study when a young man in his early twenties came in. "Yes, my son?" said the priest. "Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then." "And what was that, my son?" "Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married," said the young man. "That sounds like something I probably would have said," said the priest. "Did you take my advice?" "Yes I did, Father, but there's only one problem." "What's that, my son?" "Well, I have a 55-gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

LAWYERS Q&A

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?

A: Skeet.

Q&A 2

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q&A 3

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q&A 4

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q&A 5

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q&A 6

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q&A 7

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman.

Q&A 8

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q&A 9

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q&A 10

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q&A 11

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A: Lipstick

Q&A 12

Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.

A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Management Jokes

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” ”It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson #2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized, “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson #3:

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I'll give each of you just one wish.” ”Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. “Puff!” She's gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales representative. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. “Puff!” He's gone. “OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson #4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.” ”Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson #5:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Accountant Joke

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. The shepherd says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees. "You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you